


Broken Heart

by alienat



Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-08
Updated: 2012-04-08
Packaged: 2017-11-03 06:29:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/378346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alienat/pseuds/alienat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The life after…</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [](http://angst-bingo.livejournal.com/profile)[**angst_bingo**](http://angst-bingo.livejournal.com/)  for the prompt ‘Grief’ and it’s a continuation of ['It’s Okay, Jay'](http://alienat.livejournal.com/50460.html). Comments are love.

 

There is this second between sleeping and waking up where everything is still right in Jared’s world. He tries to hold onto that second every single morning. Every single morning it seems to slip quicker away, leaving him open, raw and empty.

When he finally opens his eyes to the bright sunlight shining into his bedroom, he slides his hand over to the cushion on the other side of the bed. It feels cold and unslept-in. Of course it does. Jensen’s never lain in this bed.

It’s been over three years since that fatal drive down the Whistler Mountains. One-thousand-one-hundred-and-thirty-eight days since Jared found out that he has to live his life without the one person who owns his soul.

He couldn’t stay in Vancouver. It didn’t feel right. Eric cancelled Supernatural as soon as the news of Jensen’s sudden death reached him. The CW tried to salvage what was left, but it was over. Jensen was dead and so was Dean.

A cold nose nudges at Jared’s hand, pulling him back to the present. Sadie looks at him with sad brown eyes. She knows exactly what Jared’s thinking about. She always does. Since Jensen is gone and Jared found this new home in San Antonio – a few blocks away from his parents actually – the dogs share the bed with him.

Now Harley looks up as well, before he places his head on Jared’s thigh trying to comfort him. Jared breathes deeply and scratches both his dogs behind their ears. He doesn’t know what he’d do without them. Them being here is the only reason that Jared’s still here too.

When they finally make their way downstairs, the sun is high in the sky. It’s not that Jared has to get up early. He teaches acting at a local evening school for amateurs and people who just have fun to lose their own personality once in a while. It’s nothing fancy, but it pays the bills and it allows him to sleep in.

Back in Vancouver he’d always been out of bed at the first ray of sunshine. Nowadays staying in bed means being close to Jensen, even if it’s just for a second.

Jared lets out the dogs and breathes in the already warm Texas’ air. It’s home and he wishes he could have Jensen with him to experience this together. His heart clenches at the thought and he hurries back to the kitchen counter turning on the coffee maker.

He doesn’t cry anymore. He cried all the tears he had in him years ago. Nothing seems to really touch him anymore. There is nothing as big or as important as Jensen’s death. Jared just floats through his life these days, never letting anything get close to him again. It would be too much to lose that too.

In the afternoon his mother makes her obligatory daily visit, bringing a readymade casserole for him to eat later. She feeds him, since she knows that Jensen was the cook in their relationship and Jared can’t cook. He’d live of soda and fast food for the rest of his life and he wouldn’t mind.

“So,” his mother starts her daily chatter and Jared knows what’s to come, “there will be a barbecue over at the Johnson’s this Saturday. They asked if you’d want to come.”

Jared ignores it, watching the casserole finishing cooking in the oven.

“Jared? JT?”

His mom had long stopped calling him ‘JT’ and she only started again after Jensen passed away. It shows Jared how much she’s worried about him. It should hurt him to see her hurting but he can’t bring himself to care. He should also hate himself for that, he doesn’t, isn’t strong enough.

“I heard you,” he answers carefully.

“And?” she prods gently.

“What do you think, Mom?” Jared straightens up and turns to his mother, looking into her sad hazel eyes.

“You should go out more, Jared. Mingle with people, make new friends, call your old ones.” She sighs. “You know that Chad calls me once a week to check up on you, so does Sandy. Damn, even Chris calls once in a while. Don’t you think it be nice to talk to them every now and then?”

Jared swallows and looks away, out of the kitchen window. He can’t bring himself to call his friends – their friends. It hurts too much. All those memories buried deep inside him they’d be dragged out in the open and he doesn’t know if he’d be able to cope. He knows that their friends would want to talk about Jensen, exchange memories and funny stories, and Jared can’t. He’s not ready and he doesn’t think he’ll ever be.

“Jared,” his mom says quietly and all of a sudden strong arms wind around his body, leaving him breathless. “I just want you to be happy again. I want you to have a life you can enjoy, at least a little.”

“Jensen made me happy,” he whispers and feels a lump building in his throat.

His mom strokes his hair and presses a soft kiss to his temple. “I know, honey. I know. But don’t you think it’s time to let him go and move on?”

Jared’s sure she’s right about that, but he just can’t. He’s so damn scared of what will happen if he lets go of Jensen and moves on.

“I can’t,” he whispers.

His mom doesn’t answer but she doesn’t let go of him, either. She just holds him for a very long time and when they finally part, she smiles a little at him, as if to let him know that she’ll be there for him no matter what. He’s grateful for that.

After his mom leaves, Jared makes his way to school. It’s a normal night and when he makes his way back he feels just as alone and empty as before. Work didn’t help; neither did the conversation with his mom.

When he lays down that night, he hopes sleep will come soon, because it brings him closer to Jensen. If only for a second.

  



End file.
